March 9, 2008

Oh no...

This thing should have been over last Tuesday! Does this mean that I have to take 3 more months of this absurd circus? Will Pennsylvania decide? Will Puerto Rico, the Masons, the elves, or the unicorns decide? All this could have been avoided if they had hired the right political consultants. No Axelrod, no Penn, no Solis-Doyle!!! They needed somebody with the iron will and determination to crush the opposition. They needed Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. He can still help, he's no longer President of Russia, or so I'm told.
This is how it should have played out:

At a fundraising Christmas ball...
-Oh Mr. and Mrs. Zavabski, you make such lovely couple, and you have made many contribution to campaign. I think you should kiss under mistletoe and I take picture.
-But...that's an anvil hanging from a rope.
-Nyet, that is not anvil! That is Russian mistletoe, in honor of factory workers who died in Great Patriotic War.
-Uhm, ok.
-I believe we must go on fact finding mission in Afghanistan. Do not mind signs with skull on side of road...they are Afghan Halloween adornments.
-Oh, Ms. Miller our loyal look hungry. Here, have some sushi.
-Mrs. Chavez, I seem to have forgotten promotional material in car...yes, it is there in dark alley.
-Mr. Johnson, our loyal Public Relations Officer...have you had our delicious borscht? You look like you need some nourishment.
-In order to organize and plan strategy better, I suggest retreat in beautiful dacha I have in Tyumen. When you are there, please ask for some Gulag; it is beautiful Russian dish.

It would have been so easy...But now it may be too late. Whatever happens, better get used to these two words: President McCain*.

*I know, it hurts.

March 4, 2008

They should make a movie...

Apparently there are some fans of retro-1970's Automobile Destruction B-movies in the District. Now if they could only get in touch with a good director, it would probably make for a much better movie than Tarantino's coke-addled rant, pastiche borefest of a movie called Death-Proof.
'In the first incident, at Phelps Place and California Street NW, the attacker slashed a cabdriver's tires and drove a half-block away, police said. He then put his vehicle in reverse and hit the driver "at a high rate of speed," causing him to be "lifted into the air," according to the police report. The cabbie suffered broken ribs, police said.'

"We're calling him 'the Rogue Cabdriver,' " said D.C. Assistant Police Chief Diane Groomes. "It appears that he wants his competition out of the city."

More at the WaPo

"Rogue Cabdriver" Hmmm...Has a sweet ring to it. Monte Hellman could direct; if Peckinpah or Frankenheimer were still alive they would have been perfect.

The real Rogue Cabdriver's white Crown Victoria would be replaced by a 1970 Plymouth Barracuda, and the climax of the movie would involve a demolition derby-style duel with the DC cabbies' one and only true hero...

Heck! Let's just make it "D.C. Cab II -Attack of the Rogue Cabdriver Fool".