March 9, 2008

Oh no...

This thing should have been over last Tuesday! Does this mean that I have to take 3 more months of this absurd circus? Will Pennsylvania decide? Will Puerto Rico, the Masons, the elves, or the unicorns decide? All this could have been avoided if they had hired the right political consultants. No Axelrod, no Penn, no Solis-Doyle!!! They needed somebody with the iron will and determination to crush the opposition. They needed Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. He can still help, he's no longer President of Russia, or so I'm told.
This is how it should have played out:

At a fundraising Christmas ball...
-Oh Mr. and Mrs. Zavabski, you make such lovely couple, and you have made many contribution to campaign. I think you should kiss under mistletoe and I take picture.
-But...that's an anvil hanging from a rope.
-Nyet, that is not anvil! That is Russian mistletoe, in honor of factory workers who died in Great Patriotic War.
-Uhm, ok.
-I believe we must go on fact finding mission in Afghanistan. Do not mind signs with skull on side of road...they are Afghan Halloween adornments.
-Oh, Ms. Miller our loyal look hungry. Here, have some sushi.
-Mrs. Chavez, I seem to have forgotten promotional material in car...yes, it is there in dark alley.
-Mr. Johnson, our loyal Public Relations Officer...have you had our delicious borscht? You look like you need some nourishment.
-In order to organize and plan strategy better, I suggest retreat in beautiful dacha I have in Tyumen. When you are there, please ask for some Gulag; it is beautiful Russian dish.

It would have been so easy...But now it may be too late. Whatever happens, better get used to these two words: President McCain*.

*I know, it hurts.

March 4, 2008

They should make a movie...

Apparently there are some fans of retro-1970's Automobile Destruction B-movies in the District. Now if they could only get in touch with a good director, it would probably make for a much better movie than Tarantino's coke-addled rant, pastiche borefest of a movie called Death-Proof.
'In the first incident, at Phelps Place and California Street NW, the attacker slashed a cabdriver's tires and drove a half-block away, police said. He then put his vehicle in reverse and hit the driver "at a high rate of speed," causing him to be "lifted into the air," according to the police report. The cabbie suffered broken ribs, police said.'

"We're calling him 'the Rogue Cabdriver,' " said D.C. Assistant Police Chief Diane Groomes. "It appears that he wants his competition out of the city."

More at the WaPo

"Rogue Cabdriver" Hmmm...Has a sweet ring to it. Monte Hellman could direct; if Peckinpah or Frankenheimer were still alive they would have been perfect.

The real Rogue Cabdriver's white Crown Victoria would be replaced by a 1970 Plymouth Barracuda, and the climax of the movie would involve a demolition derby-style duel with the DC cabbies' one and only true hero...

Heck! Let's just make it "D.C. Cab II -Attack of the Rogue Cabdriver Fool".

February 26, 2008

A Conspiracy?

As African Union troops-with logistical support from France-begins its military offensive to remove the president of The Republic of Anjouan, new details have emerged suggesting that the final objectives of this operation may not be the re-establishment of the rule of law or democracy in this island nation.

The Republic of Anjouan was formerly part of the The Comoros Islands ,whose main claim to fame was being close to the country with the most badass flag, and it became independent since 1997. Its relations with the Union of the Comoros and its president, Ahmed Abdalla Mohamed Sambi, have steadily deteriorated and reached a headway this year. Intelligence insiders have suggested; however, that the main goal of this operation may very well be securing the supply of Ylang Ylang oil, an ingredient used in most perfumes(Anjouan is the World's primary supplier).

Anjouan's dapper, fragrant President

"We know that the multinational perfume corporations are the ones who are pushing for this imperialist aggression, but this will not stand," said Anjouan President Mohamed Bacar , and added that "May Allah cut the heads of the Estée Lauder, Chanel Hydra! We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the mountains; they shall not resist our scented hand-grenades, our perfumed arrows, they shall inhale the sweet sweet smell of our patrimony, our Ylang-Ylang, and their will shall come undone, Inshallah!!! We shall be victorious."

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the European Perfumists Association denied these allegations, "It is ludicrous to suggest that we would invade or support the invasion of a country for any oil."

Military analysts have suggested that the African Union troops may have contracted the services of Executive Outcomes, a mercenary company based in South Africa, in order to counteract the "Ylang-Ylang" advantage of the Anjouan defense forces. "The introduction of company-sized Civet combat units and their musky capabilities may very well shift the balance of power in the theatre of operations," said the military expert Jon Van Stoergen.

Mercenary civets on routine patrol in Tanzania

"Let them come," Bacar retorted. "Their flea ridden, urine-reeking oversized rats will be no match for our ambrosial, aromatic, and delectably delicious determination. Long live a free odoriferous Anjouan!"

Anjouan, with a population of 634,000, has suffered 19 beautifully scented coups since 1975.

February 25, 2008

But is he Good for Anything?

Again, there are people asking: Is Obama good for the Jews? I don't think he will be that much different from the Clintons, Bush or McCain regarding the Israeli-Palestinian issue if he finally becomes President. Certain Jewish groups have accused him on not being sufficiently supportive of Israel, and the way some see him-erroneously mind you-, if he keeps his so called "moderate" stance, he will scare away potential jewish donors, and the Republicans will pounce on him at the very least as weak, or at the very worst as a terrorist appeaser.
But let's see what this accredited Fatah member has said:

On march 2, 2007:

"...we must preserve our total commitment toour unique defense relationship with Israel by fully funding military assistance and continuing work on the Arrow and related missile defense programs. This would help Israel maintain its military edge and deter andrepel attacks from as far as Tehran and as close as Gaza. Andwhen Israel is attacked, we must stand up for Israel’s legitimate rightto defend itself. Last summer, Hezbollah attacked Israel. By usingLebanon as an outpost for terrorism, and innocent people as shields, Hezbollah has also engulfed that entire nation in violence and conflict,and threatened the fledgling movement for democracy there. "

Granted, he did put more pressure on Israel to achieve a diplomatic solution, but again, this is no different from what previous administrations have tried, or said to have tried.

"But in the end, we also know that we should never seek to dictate what isbest for the Israelis and their security interests. No Israeli PrimeMinister should ever feel dragged to or blocked from the negotiating table by the United States."

Right....pretty please...make peace! We'll just watch from over here...

Ok, so he didn't go to rallies supporting the Israeli air campaign and land incursion into Lebanon in 2006 as Hillary did, but he did vote to support it. And he didn't support the Iraq War vote, which was endorsed by the Israeli Far-right. But in many fundamental issues, he did not stray too far away from the mainstream.

But you know what? Right now I don't really care if Obama is good for the Jews, the Surinamese, or the Hobbits. The real question is: Is Obama good for the Flu? Because I could really use some Luo Tribesman, "Muslimist", or native Hawaiian remedy right now to relieve my throbbing headache and congested, mucus ridden lungs . And for the record, we actually found out who obama really is NOT good for: Mariachi Bands.


October 11, 2006


-You should go out if it's so nice, go out for a walk.
-Yes, I think I should...I'll leave now!

And so the events were set in motion for one of the most shattering humiliations suffered by The Blue Drone. I set upon what was supposed to be a leisurely holiday stroll. I crossed 16th Street, book bag slung over my shoulder, feeling quite at ease and enjoying the pleasant 70 degree temperature, and happened.
Something hit my forehead, it felt warm, soft and mushy and started trickling down my glasses and down my tender blue cheek. No, this cannot be...even as I saw my vision blurred by a greenish ooze, like when horror movie titles start trickling blood, except this wasn't blood. I had been shat on by a bird...on my face.

There were many passersby, and I had to scramble and find a leaf to clean my precious precious visage, I could see them laugh at me, mock me for a tragic event that in no way I could have prevented. Just a sick sick joke that some godforsaken Starling or Sparrow decided to play on me.
Some say it is good luck to be shat on by a bird. I can see a valid point in this, since if you are defecated public, well...nothing could be more ignoble, except maybe being shat on by an elephant or shit-sprayed by a hippo, which reminds me to be more careful next time I go to the zoo. And I suppose that since birds have cloacas it serves as double the humiliation...being shat and peed on at the same time.

Now, this is where I would normally start adding historical references like "The Greeks thought that bird droppings represented a so-so harvest" or "The Babylonians said that if a bird defecated on you face, it meant that you were a cuckold" and so forth. Except, I didn't find any historical references to bird droppings and luck. What I DID find instead were countless weblog entries detailing "being pooped on by a bird" experiences...and it didn't make me feel special or all. Goddammit I was pooped on!!! I'm special!!! I am!! I really am!!! Am I? Not really.

So the moral of the story is this:

1. It is sometimes better to stay indoors, even if its "really nice" outside.

2. You are not might think you are, but you are NOT.

3. There is no relation between bird droppings and luck, and whoever came up with that is full of (bird)shit!*

*This closing line was probably used by about 300,742 "shat on by a bird" weblog entries...DAMN YOU INTERNET!!!!

October 6, 2006

My my...

What a big head you have, errr...had! !
Is it just pent-up guilt for owing your fortune to your dad's use of Nazi slave labor? Feh! You dead anyway...But I cant help thinking of...

this guy when I see your picture.

October 5, 2006

The Blue Drone Asks:

I had a vague idea of what this meant when I started...Now I'm not so sure. Could you help me come up with a caption?